Learning to grieve - How To Be An Adult

 It intrigued me that Mom was infinitely less interested in the characteristics of the adults whose needs were mostly not met in childhood than she was in those of the adults whose needs were.  She recognized, too readily, the characteristics of the first.  

What Mom seemed focused on were the healthy qualities & the possibility that, at the ripe old age of ninety, she could DO something to lay claim to them.

It seemed that she felt...  liberated by the idea that she couldn't make better what had gone so wrong when she was young, that "what was missed can never be made up for, only mourned & let go."  

Mom always came across to me as someone who did her best to keep things on an even keel, to make them go as smoothly as possible, to avoid confrontation & unpleasantness. 

I know, from what she'd shared long before we read the book, she was it was wrong to grieve & mourn.  I have no memories of her crying when my brother Ian was killed (Dad - yes.  Mom - none.).  None from when Dad died.  

In my mid-thirties, before I met John, she finally explained the latter to me -"If I had let you girls know how devastated I was, you might never have wanted to risk the same heartbreak."  

As I said, Mom felt it was her job to help keep the family on even keel.  

Suddenly, here was David Richo telling her that not only was it okay to grieve & mourn, it was essential to relating to life as an adult.  Wow...

Grief-work was a new concept for Mom.  She'd never given any thought to how the unacknowledged pain of her present might connect to the unacknowledged, denied pain of her past.

Rereading that first chapter, am astonished at how quickly she was also reassured that what she experienced with Dad, which truly seemed a healthy & whole relationship, was more probably genuine than not.  

"A relationship - especially the first one in adult life - can put us in the best position to do that (necessary) work.  Our partner stimulates the love & the pain & then - optimally - supports us in healthy responses to them."

Yes, yes & yes - that was her experience with her O! Best Beloved.  It was what I saw between the two of them.  A mutual respect & a remarkable desire to support the other in being the best version of himself, herself.  Alas, other family members suggest her memories of Dad's support were mere fantasy & wishfulness, but here was a straight-to-the-heart description of what she recalled.


When Dad died, that better view of herself crumbled.  David Richo's book helped restore Dad's healing touch.  More than that, he helped Mom be able to connect with her past history, all of it, and let it heal without feeling it was up to her to make it whole.  

Here it is, going over thirteen years since Mom passed, and it's just hitting me for the first time that OF COURSE she seemed to feel it was up to her to keep things steady & calm - she'd done that for all her life, doing her best to keep the awful from making itself felt, to make seem alright what was far from okay.

By going against her deepest, most devoutly held beliefs about family relationships, David made it okay for Mom to experience them with the full horror they deserved, to feel swept with grief, and then move on.  

For decades, literally scores of years, Mom kept ancient grief present in her here & now because she couldn't grieve, thought it was wrong wrong wrong to do the very thing necessary for liberation & freedom.

As a kid of 63, I'm stunned at what Mom was open to seeing, the radically new perspective she welcomed at ninety-three.  At that - or any! - age, may I be so mentally emotionally spiritually flexible!.