A bone to pick

The one bone I found to pick with The Fourteen Friends Guide to Eldercaring is over communicating with family members about the needs of an “ancient” (my Mom’s term, not mine) or other dependents.   

Mind you, what they recommend it spot on & is expressed in clear, simple steps.  But they leave out the possibility that others might balk at hearing the information, that your team-building attempt can boomerang & come back to smack you. 

Spent a good part of yesterday & a sleep-deprived night pondering the question – is there any value in taking the best-practice steps the friends share when there's a probability of a dubious outcome?

Mom & I were poles apart on that question.  Took me decades to find out why she never requested help from my older sibs, while totally at ease asking me. 

What felt like favoritism – Pete & Mim were never asked to contribute in any way, even when they lived with us – was actually, to Mom, just being practical.   It wasn’t until her late 70s that she finally explained,  “Why ask when they’re just going to say NO?” 

 A mega AH HA! moment. 

To Mom, there was no sense in asking because of the response that past experience said she'd get. To me, there is value in just asking a sound question, whatever the reply.  BIG difference.   

 

Up to her last years, Mom lived several steps in the future, not in the present.  Am forever proud that, in her last years, she allowed herself the risk of asking.  That was HUGE, taking unimaginable courage from someone who'd built up formidable defenses against the risk of potential heartbreak.

A family can gather together around a member’s care & totally fall apart or – worse – have a falling out.  But it matters that they try.  There is, in my opinion, value in the energy of attempting what is ideal.

In her late 80s, Mom called a family conference to share her desire to latch onto & develop a stronger sense of herself.  Peter & Mim, John & I joined her at her psychologist’s, where Mom laid out for us her goals of gaining a greater sense of ease understanding acceptance of Katharine Reynolds Lockhart.   

There was great power in that request & even more in Peter & Mim making the effort to be part of the session.  It only happened that one time – Peter & Mim were never able to make it to any others – but it happened.  Once or a dozen times, Mom had asked & we had shown up. 

In the last years of Mom’s life, I started unraveling.  The pressure of being the only family member providing support & care was getting to me.  

Mom suffered a breakdown in her late forties, due mostly to bearing full responsibility for her mother, who suffered from dementia.  Having to put Gran in a state mental hospital was the last straw to a very difficult couple of years.  Knowing that, I took precautions to not share a similar fate. 

When I found myself getting emotionally unanchored, I called a family conference of myself, Peter & Mim.  The three of us gathered in my living room to discuss Mom’s care & ways that they might be able to give more support.  That gathering ended well, but the initiative did not.  Within weeks, both of my sibs distanced themselves totally from the situation, for reasons that made sense to them. 

In spite of the dismal final outcome, it mattered that they'd made the initial effort.  There was power in that.  They were asked & they responded.  They responded, at least initially, in the affirmative.  But even if they had refused to get together, their presence would have been requested.  They would have known, even if nothing came of it. 

Just before her final fall & the last months of her life, Mom did something that thrilled me.  My Australia-based brother told Mom know that if she needed anything, he’d do what he could.  She wrote back, outlining what expenses were looming on her horizon, from small things to major, leaving it to him to pick which he wanted to cover.  Bravo, Mom! 

The fourteen friends are spot on writing about the value of family conferences.  Spot on talking about the importance of sharing information so all the family, loved ones & caregivers can become stakeholders in care & support.   

My warning is that even the best efforts to share information, get on the same page, find common ground in ways & means for providing support & care can go awry.  Go for it, anyway.  Expect the best & accept what comes.  Applaud the positive steps that can be taken, even if they seem limited. 

If nothing else, you always come away with more information than before.  In the situation with Mom, she got a better understanding of her children, which helped her get a better sense of herself.  I got a better view of where I stood – and surprising compassion for my sibs, who seemed to hold back more support because it just was not in them. 

The Fourteen Friends Guide to Eldercaring includes meaty advice on information sharing, team building (including the loved one), bringing everyone online with what’s happening & looking ahead.  Just remember the one bone I have to pick - that a lot of different factors, many invisible or unacknowledged, can affect how well it goes.  Things can go awry, but I stand by my opinion that there's lasting value in the energy of attempting what is ideal, that there's always great power in doing your best.