Going against my solutionist nature

 

My birth religion includes the beautiful teaching that those who are in charity – love of the neighbor – see only the good in others, while those who are not look only for what is negative & bad.   

A treasured older friend personifies the first, while another – the great antagonist of her life – embodies the second.  In spite of being all smiles, the latter seems to delight in verbal strikes that prick & pierce the spirit.

Here’s the rub – the meaner & more hurtful the antagonist is, the more my friend beckons her over to join us.  While she comes away from a verbal mauling feeling confused & unhappy, wondering why the other woman is mean & hurtful, the feeling that stays will her is a deeper sense of compassion for the other.  Hers is not the classic victim/bully dynamic, where the victim typically defends the tormentor for fear of making matters worse.  My dear friend feels heartbroken for the woman, not by her.  She keeps hoping for better. 

My solutionist tendency is to protect both my friend & the caustic other by making it clear with the latter that her vicious digs make her unwelcome.  But that would be a lie.  The more inexplicably nasty she is, the more my friend feels protective of such a damaged soul.   

That leaves me in a quandary.  I can try to help bring out the better angels of the bully’s soul ~ or ~ respect & honor my friend’s sweet, angelic nature that sees only the woman's pain.  

All of this was brought home to me yesterday, as the two of us were leaving a fabulous Mardi Gras party.  Instead of scowling at spotting the other across the room, my friend's face lit up, her whole body seemed wreathed in smiles as she waved for the other to come join us, if just for a few moments.  

Looking at her face, sensing her body language, made me accept there's nothing I can do.  Which is hard, because everything in me shouts that all would be served by addressing the problem up front  - if the bully acts this way to my friend, it’s a sure thing she does it to others, too.  But my friend would not be served.  Excluding others - particularly one so sorely in need of loving friends - is anathema to her very being. 

As confused & sad as the all-smiles, no-kindness woman makes my friend, the greater cruelty would be pushing her to act against her own caring nature.   

So, I will swallow my solutionist pride & ignore my “fix-it” nature.  I won’t even bristle when my friend beckons the other to join us.  I will hope for the best, looking for only the good in the other.  If nasty cracks fly, I’ll practice the close of that teaching - when possible, do what can judiciously be done to help draw the other to more charitable ways.  Don’t look for bad behavior, but, if seen, take what steps you can to address it, quietly & clearly.  Then step back.   

There is no sense in trying to improve one person’s bitter nature at the cost of another’s tender heart & sweet soul.