Beyond childhood - nurturing empathy

Study after study indicates that itty bitty babies, toddlers & little kids have a deep-rooted instinct for empathy.  What happens?  Why does that apparent inclination decrease as many of us age?

Actually, a study out of China indicates that while our sense of emotional apparently declines with age, cognitive empathy remains the same. They tended to respond less to the experience of pain & more to when they sensed the pain was intentional.  It could be that the older we get, the less we invest ourselves in just any others, more in those we feel have some relation or relevancy to ourselves. 

Having a healthy sense of empathy can make our lives richer.  Of course, it requires balance.  Imagine how worn out we'd be if we responded with a high degree of empathy to everyone's hurts & sorrows! 

Someone with a balanced sense of empathy has a good sense of others' feelings, how to respond appropriately to each situation (consoling, comforting, understanding), when to reach out with offers of help & when to just be a caring presence.  People with a poorly developed sense of empathy can feel easily overwhelmed by others' pain, responding brusquely or distancing themselves.  

Smiling, remembering my mother describe a key difference between my older siblings - if she wasn't feeling well & stayed in bed, she could count on Ian & Mike stopping in before heading out to school to see if she needed anything, while Peter & Mim tried to get out the door as invisibly as possible.  Mike & Ian ~ well-balanced empathy!  

Mom tended to be overly empathic.  She felt the emotional pain of another as her own, a trait that reduced her effectiveness.  While people share with me the difference she made at a challenging time, Mom took a lot of that pain & distress on herself.  

Personally, I was raised to believe that if I could reach out to alleviate another's pain & suffering, I should - whatever the personal cost.  In fact, personal cost never came into it.  If you could, it was expected that you would.  Over the years, I learned that healthy empathy takes your needs into account, too.

It is important for my grannie client's families to know that while a strong sense of empathy for their loved one's needs & their own rank high with me, I will keep them in balance with my own.  They know I will do all I can to make sure that I meet their needs as best I can, without sacrificing my own.  

It seems to me that the older we get, the less we respond emotionally & the more we tend to see things through the prism of experience.  When I was younger, my tendency was to respond more passionately.  As I edge my way toward 65, I find that I am less likely to react with urgency, more likely to seek to understand.  It's as simple as the older we get, the more we remember times we responded with hearth-felt empathy, only to discover our support had been misplaced. Over the years, I've gotten less immediately reactive to what seems an injury or injustice & the more I've stepped back to reflect & take my time responding. 

In my experience, the oldsters & elderly who appear to act with the highest level of healthy empathy tend to be those with a good cross-section of ages among their friends & family.  It helps older people maintain a solid sense of empathy to hear a range of views from a variety of others.  Sadly, too many of us experience smaller & smaller circles of friends & family, as well as expectations of a full life, as we age.  

Too few of us have Mom's experience - instead of having fewer & fewer friends in her life, her online presence & journaling found her circle growing larger & larger, with new friends as young as teens & as old as long-ago schoolmates.  Instead of finding her life & views increasing conscribed, Mom at 90 found herself increasingly letting go of  "time-bound prejudices and fears."  My dear friend, Anne, is much the same -  at 93, her sense of empathy remains as healthy as ever, thanks to her undiminished curiosity about other, her love of reading a wide range of books from an eclectic group of authors. 

What a pity that studies on adults & empathy are practically non-existent.  As Boomers push into their sixties & seventies, it would be helpful to know what impact age has on empathy.  

Until social scientists get their act together & pull together some well-constructed, well-run, respectable studies, I will forge ahead with my belief that we can take steps to help develop & nurture the sense of empathy that was so strong as a baby, toddler & child.  

 

So glad I came across Roots of Empathy, committed to building a stronger sense of compassion, peace & respect.  As of 2011, every Canadian province has taken part in the "Roots of Empathy" program, reaching 480,000 students.  Last week, Switzerland joined United States, New Zealand, the Isle of Man, Northern Ireland, the Republic of Ireland and Scotland in offering the program. 

 
Imagine a "Roots of Empathy" program developed for adult organizations & business groups, for senior communities & programs, for families of oldsters & the elderly as well as those who work with them - senior residence staff & administration, caregivers.  Going beyond childhood to nurture empathy in all ages.  What a wonderful world that could open!