Friendship is a sheltering tree

On this afternoon's Voices in the Family, the always wonderful Dr. Dan Gottlieb noted that perhaps THE key factor on whether or not someone experiences a "good death" is their social circle.

What a blessing, with my only sister in a hospital a state over & many miles away, to have the comfort of knowing she has dear friends close by.
  
Yesterday afternoon, it distressed me to hear Mim say her physician steam-rolled her into allowing him to give IV nutrients, when that's totally against what she wants.

 

Today, I called two of her closest friends - a pair of sharp professionals - to ask if they'd do a Whitney & pin the staff/doctors down, let them know MIM calls the shots, not them.  

Joy & rapture - they already have!  They were there last night, she'd been given the IV nutrients & was unable to keep them down.  From what I hear, they did their own version of pinning the staff to the wall & letting them know that MIM calls the shots.  

Yes, Dr. Gottlieb - the quality of our friendships does largely define the quality of our life, and of our dying.  

Of all the things I've envied my sister - her intelligence, her ability to connect & deepen connections with people, her creativity & her inner light - the greatest is her remarkable circle of friends & caring acquaintances.  From the time I was in high school - when dorm friends visited as much to talk to Mim as to hang out with me - to this moment, watching her josh & banter with the hospital staff, her ability to click with people, has left me in awe.  

It's the circle that - regardless of where they live, regardless of whether they are in this world or some other plane - is gathered around her right now.  

What gratitude I have for the sheltering love that circle provides, knowing that I may not be with her, but it always is.

I see with my sister the power & importance of friendship, brand new & age old.  I saw it with my mother, whose circle GREW as she inched into her nineties, thanks to the internet.  I see with older friends who consider their friendships as essential as air.  I cherish the older friend who - in her mid-90s - continues to make devoted new fans wherever she goes.  I applaud the family who is committed to getting their father to & from to his regular Friday lunch with colleagues from work - a 45 mile drive, one way.  



Like my own, Mim's circle of friends arcs from itty bitty children to ancient elders.  That is probably being a godsend for her right now.  Friends can bring their little ones in & perk her up, while the matriarch of our family - Peggy - can write her a note infused with her longer view & warm smile that beamed upon Mom & Dad.  It means the world to her when Daniel & Lindsay visit, along with their parents.

Whatever our age, we can develop a fresh appreciation of the friendships we have ~and~ reach out to make new ones.  For millennia, humans were tribal, then we organized into clans, then families, then nuclear families - today, too often we are silos.  Friendship isn't as natural, as organic as it once was, yet it is perhaps more important than ever.  As families get smaller, our circle of friends needs to grow larger.  True when we're in our teens, twenties, eighties or older. 

This afternoon, Dan Gottlieb shared a story about Redwood trees.  Talking about how, in the face of adversity, we need the tender, connecting care of friends, he reminisced about a trip with colleague to Muir Woods, with its majestic Redwoods.  A nature buff, she marveled at the magnificent trees' shallow root system.  Dan was dumbfounded that the largest, tallest, oldest trees on the planet could have live thousands of years without deep roots.

"Redwoods grow in clusters," she explained, "and their roots interlock. That's how they get their strength." 

We draw strength from friends.  Mega blessings on the circle that gathers around my sister.  Joy & love to anyone & everyone who recognize that friendship IS a sheltering tree, who do all they can to grow deep roots & extend leafy branches.