"You are a teacher now" - Dan Gottlieb

As it often does, this afternoon's Voices in the Family program on WHYY radio got my brain buzzing.  During the program, Fatherhood: wisdom & ways,  Dr. Dan Gottlieb & his guests discussed the perils & promises of being a dad.  What especially grabbed my attention was Dan sharing a comment someone made to him after he was confined to a wheelchair after a terrible car accident - "You are a teacher now."  His response to his challenge would teach others more about disabilities than anything they might read or watch.  

That made me think about why it's so important to me to get a particular older friend OUT to meals, rather than having dinner in one of her senior residence's very nice restaurants.  She's edging her way toward 100, needs a walker to get around, has a frequently spotty memory - but she LOVES life every bit as much as she did as a kid of seventy.  And it is wonderful for others to see that sort of attitude out & about, living life in the moment.  

Our servers can tell she has some memory challenges & it just endears her to them all the more.  I've known people who only saw her on Wednesday nights, back when Barbara Trent played several jazz sets at the Centre Bridge Inn  - when she walked through the door, their faces lit up as they said, "Anne's here!"  Not "Hey, it's John & Deev!"  Nope - their focus was on the great-granny with us.  

 

When John & I see friends from there at Pineville Tavern, they always ask about us AFTER asking about Anne.  

Erica, our favorite server at Warminster West, is always a shade downcast when we come in by ourselves.  Just not the same without Anne.  Ditto Farmhouse Tavern, Lancer's Diner, the Red Lion Diner.  She wins hearts everywhere & I haven't a doubt those friends will remember her forever.  Because we remember our favorite teachers.

And Anne is a teacher.  She teaches all who gets to see her in action that is is possible to grow old, even to grow grey & infirm & even forgetful, yet still be full of love of life, can still change a bad day to a little sunnier with her smile, can still make someone feel more visible & valued by asking a question about his or her life.  It is the older people who tend to get ruffled by getting the same question many times over - the younger people, kids of sixty & under - just see the interest.  

We are all teachers.  As we grow older, we can be teaching that getting up there in age is a burden or a blessing.  That's not to say we dismiss the difficulties that naturally arise as our bodies start breaking down.  If we focus on our bodies as our dominant reality, then it's sort of hard not to experience their decline as a trial.  

My mother was a great teacher about the realities of being an "ancient," as she described herself.  She shared with her devoted online list of followers that the older she got, the more she realized she was NOT her body, the more she realized she was spirit with a natural covering which she'd someday take doff like an old glove.  Both John & I grin at the thought of the good times Mom & Anne would have enjoyed together!  

 

Years ago, when I first started chumming around with my older friend, she'd ask, "What good am I doing?"  My reply was a variation of, "You're teaching me a lot about how to approach life in better ways.  Like when I grumbled about John & you just said, 'He's a guy.'  Just three words from you & everything looked different."  What I said was specific, it was true, and she could see the difference it had made in me.  She believed.  

We are raised to DO, in a culture that worships productivity & results.  My parents' generation was raised to be of use;  it took a teeny stroke for Mom to finally fully embrace the value of stillness, of silence, of just being.  It was an attitude & awareness that she modeled for many in her family & circle of friends.  How much more difficult it's going to be for generations raised to be busy, always on the go, always half-waiting for the next ring or ping indicating a phone call or text message!

Our world needs more teachers like Anne to walk among us, to sit next to us in a restaurant, holding a delighted conversation with her table mates, to be clearly so interested in what's happening around her, what the next moment holds.

My thanks to Dan Gottlieb & to the friend who told him, "You are a teacher now."  I will hold that message in my heart.  If called for, I will share it with my older friends, with Anne, if she ever needs to hear it again.  

How did we get to be a culture that doesn't respect the wisdom, the teaching that our older loved one & friends uniquely provide?  How did we get to a place where they're - from the highest motives for the most practical reasons - often shepherded together in age-segrated housing, where we too infrequently have them among us, too often only enjoy their presence for hours, rather than days weeks months years?  You're more likely to hear droplettes of wisdom over a morning cuppa in your robes or while making supper than during lunch at Olive Garden or dinner at Outback.

Our elderly loved ones & friends are meant to be our teachers.  If you are getting up there is age, know the truth of that statement.  You are teaching something - what is it?  If you have elderly people in your family or circle of friends, ponder this for a moment - where is their classroom?