This WASN'T where I expected to be

This wasn't where I expected to be.  And it is totally where I was headed all along.

So, what did I expect to be doing in 2015?

Forty, even fifty years ago, I expected to be looking ahead to retiring from teaching in a few years, after a lifetime of educating first middle schoolers, then junior high, and where I would have finally ended up - as a primary school teacher (that's where all the real action is!). I would have looked toward retirement with total satisfaction.

Thirty years ago, I expected to be looking back at a string of successes as a marketing & public relations writer at Prudential Healthcare.  NOT as a manager - my strength was always in the doing, not the managing.  Some people might have looked at my career at Pru & pondered, "Such a pity she never rose very high," but I would have loved every moment of working there, with a great group of people & under some inspiring leaders.  I would have looked toward retirement with total satisfaction.

Fifteen years ago, I expected to be winding up a great third career at BISYS Financial Services, where I'd been recognized by clients, co-workers & bosses for innovative, effective work serving the HR heads & insurance brokers who made up my client base.  Who knows what laurels I might have won, after being named 2000 Employee of the Year?  I would have looked toward retirement with total satisfaction.

Fifty, forty, thirty or fifteen years ago, the last thing I expected was that my truest calling would turn out to be working across a spectrum of ages, especially every age of elders.  By thirty & most definitely fifteen years ago, my expectation was that once Mom had been reunited with her O! Best Beloved, my engagement with older friends & loved ones would be a thing of my past.  HA!  

Pretty amazing to look back & marvel at how all of it turned out to be training for getting me right here, right now.  All of it - pursuing a liberal arts degree in spite of knowing my dream was in ed; working hand in hand with physicians' offices to figure out how what they wanted for patients lined up with insurance company policies of care; helping coordinate seven local writer/editors in offices across Prudential's Central region, interfacing between our regional office, theirs & national HQ up in northern NJ.  

Should I have gotten a clue from the short-term job I did as a favor to a friend?  In spite of being dismal at data entry, for 3 1/2 months - from a month after Mom died to literally my early February birthday - every day, from 9-5, I entered into computer statements of excellence by women in the medical field as part of their application to a highly sought-after program.  Even now, long years later, am still awed at that improbable opportunity, typing statement after statement describing what each candidate believed defined excellence.  These weren't high school students or even college graduates applying for post-grad studies.  These were women already established in careers in medicine, dentisty, public health.  Yes, doing that, recording their statement after statement, was never what I ever expected.  And what jaw-dropping fabulous preparation for the work that was before me.

This isn't where I expected to be AND it was where I was always headed.  Literally from the time I left BISYS, it was clear to me that some incredible hand was behind the strange things happening in my life.  At that moment, I let go of any expectation of anything making sense, in a conventional way.  

What's clear to me is that life is working out exactly as it was always intended.  It helped immensely when i finally got out of the way & worked with it, rather than rail against it.  

Yes, it totally stinks that I haven't had the substantial health care coverage I enjoyed as a teacher & even more so working for US Healthcare & Prudential - we're talking the Cadillac of health care plans - or the savings programs & other perks that come with being a success in the corporate world.  

Life has become a long string of taking no thought for the morrow.  Ponder this - how many people at 63 wake up each morning psyched for whatever lies ahead as they embark - as the rest of their friends & contemporaries are retiring - on the 2nd best adventure of their life?  (My marriage is #1.) 

Looking back fifty, forty, even fifteen years - this is not where I expected to be.  And it is so where an unseen hand meant me to arrive.  

There is a saying, "It is better to journey than to arrive."  The older I get, the clearer it is - it's ALL part of a journey leading to the unexpected, the unimaginable. Let go of thinking you have control, keep walking toward the sun & enjoy the scenery!

Twenty-six years ago, when I was newly engaged, John (who wasn't raised in an organized religion, let alone going to church) turned to me to say in amazement & utter certainty, "I didn't plan this & you didn't plan this, but SOMEBODY planned it!"  I know just what he meant! And I look forward with great satisfaction to NEVER retiring!