"Oh...

For well over five years, a friend & I have tagged up every Wednesday at a local Starbucks.  This past year, we've been a bit hit & miss, with more misses than hits.  So, when we connected early yesterday evening to confirm if we were a go or no, it didn't seem like a big deal to say, "Can't make it..."  And that made sense, since I had a mega bake ahead, since this is the day I take a nibbling to our ENTIRE mass of high school guys, not just the Junior class.  

What I didn't expect was Karen's small, disappointed, "Oh..."  

And I mean that it really wasn't expected.  At all.  It was astonishing, realizing how that teeny word & the disappointment it conveyed took me totally completely absolutely by surprise.  It never dawned on me that NOT connecting with ME would disappoint anyone.  Ever.  It was that realization that was so totally breath taking.  I'd thought I'd gotten past such  self-disparagement years ago.  And here it was, revealed in how taken aback I was by that soft "Oh..."

It made me think about my dearest friends on earth, people I thought tolerated my presence in order to be with Mom.  Never, not for a moment, dawned on me that they wanted to be with me.  Took me by surprise when they invited John & I to come visit - after Mom died.  Did I actually remind them that Mom was gone, that it would be just us?  I might have.  Yesteday's "Oh..." took me back to that long past realization that my feelings for them were actually reciprocated.  

I bring this up as a reminder that we never ever know what's happening in the emotional lives of the people around us.  Some of the most apparently confident people can be shivering masses of insecurity inside.  Some of the quietest, most modest & self-deprecating can be rocks of internal security & stability.  It would seem ludicrous to perhaps 99.99% of the people I know to think that The Cupcake Lady, the person who seems to have a finger in so many local community pies, could possibly feel like unworthy when it comes to personal connection & genuine relationship.  And it was true, for most of my life.  Not now, but for most.  Yesterday took me by surprise because that "Who? Me?  You want to get together with ME?" was supposed to be in my past, not present.  

You never know how anyone, toddler through centenarian - feels inside about themselves or others.  Never assume that you have a clue about the stories they tell themselves about themselves.  Or that we tell ourselves about ourselves, for that matter.  

Every morning, like this one, we need to get up & start our day by expecting the best for & of ourselves.  We need to cut others a break, give them our best shots, whether that is reflected in work, a pleasant smile & "Hello!", a caring heart.  

Will be forever grateful for that small, disappointed, "Oh..."  It brought me up short, how much it startled me that my dear friend cares as much for me as I do for her.  Oh, what a beautiful morning!