Over & over, I am astonished at how often I've been blessed to be connected with people who model a range of "best practice" ways to experience aging, especially challenges like getting increasingly frail, memory challenges such as dementia & Alzheimer's, even financial security.
About two weeks ago, we picked up an older friend directly after he was at a doctor's appointment with his daughter. John & I had our usual delightful time with him, enjoying a leisurely drive through glorious countryside.
It was only later that we discovered that when we picked him up, he'd just received the confirming diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Looking back at the evening, we agreed that he seemed to be handling it with surprising grace. Nothing in his attitude conveyed being in denial, several things - we realized afterward - were connected to the news, but he also didn't seem unrealistically upbeat.
Our friend clearly remembered receiving the news. He wasn't shy about alluding to it, however indirectly. He didn't seem in shock, there was no evidence of disbelief. My guess is that he might have been strangely relieved to have an explanation of what had been confusing behavior so unlike his usual self.
Many people getting such a diagnosis do go into denial. And denial isn't always a bad thing - some people need more time to process their new reality. It's not unusual for them to need time to let it all sink in. Because it's not just the reality of the diagnosis, which is enough to distress even the most upbeat of us. It is the reality of what it is going to put their families through - that is often the most devastating reality to face.
The diagnosis can take families by surprise, can result in their denial of what's happening before their very eyes. Even when the symptoms have been present for a while, it's not unusual for children to shrug them off as Mom just getting older. Something my mother wrote years ago says it all, "Changing roles and changing identities can be rough, especially
on children, no matter how old they
are. Imagine the upset at finding that
good old Mom is not what she used to
be. That discovery could make even an
adult feel like a kid lost at the department store."
Children can experience a different sort of denial, comforting themselves that they've got it all worked out. What a shock when they discover their carefully reasoned plan going hopelessly awry, that they suddenly need to become experienced jugglers of the unexpected.
But to go back to our dear older friend. We spent a lovely day with him this past week. After dinner, we settled down to watch a dvd. There were three remote controls in front of him. He couldn't figure out which one to use to play the dvd. Instead of internalizing it, instead of brushing it off, he looked us square in the eyes & said, "I can't do this any more. I don't remember how. How about if we just have a nice visit?" And we did.
I consider myself blessed over & over by the countless times an older friend handles a situation that could give him or her great difficulty, even heartbreak, in a way that seems as healthy & whole as possible. With one friend, it is being clear & open about what he's experiencing in the moment. With another, it might be taking the attitude of, "It is what it is," and yet another might put the best face on things & forge ahead.
The older friend who is facing rather than denying his diagnosis does have the advantage of knowing that his daughter is fiercely committed to him living as full & independent a life as will be possible. She was that way when he was simply her aging Dad; she is now, as he faces the recent diagnosis. The rest of us feel exactly the same - the goal is to let him be HIM.
One challenge too many people in our friend's situation face is people who mollycoddle, who immediately become overly protective, who start to speak louder & slower. Our dear friend will have no fear of that! We - and his family - are having a ball with him, just as he is. Sure, there will be changes - he & we will deal with them. But - like another older friend - he & we are happy to take each moment as it comes, to not anticipate the future & not to fazed by the present. To take our cue from our dear friend & forego denial, preferring to accept the present & live in the now.
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