This past week, while taking breakfast with an older friend at her senior residence, I met a fabulous member of my tribe. The energy in the cafe zoomed upward as soon as she entered with her client. Dressed in a flowing tunic over pants & a top, she swirled more than simply moved. And she was all smiles, ready to have a great time.
Everything about her was focused, but not overly solicitiously, on the older woman in her care. She settled her at a table, greeting & drawing all the rest of us into their orbit, then went to get her friend's breakfast. Smiling, remembering her slicing half a banana atop waffles - she turned a mundane moment into a tiny event.
Each morning, the same thing. The sense of fresh energies filling the room, attention without a smidgeon of condescension, the friendliness to all of us. Even the most cantankerous old biddy couldn't help but give at least a faint smile.
Best of all were the eyes & attitude of the woman she had such delight assisting. They sparkled & she was clearly ready for a good time as well as a tasty breakfast.
What a surprise to experience the same older woman over the weekend. On Saturday & Sunday, she came in with someone else. The young woman was attentive, took good care of her charge, was capable & attentive. But what a difference. Her clothing identified her as an aide - matching tunic & pants. She was competent & thorough in her care, but I didn't see her smile. Not once. The difference was shocking, as was the difference in the older woman's eyes & attitude - she woman was there, but without any sense of being engaged with the rest of the room. Even her hair didn't look as sleek & stylish as it did throughout the week before. She was cared for, but something was missing.
Having experienced that, I took special note of my own older friend as we had dinner last night. I watched her roll into the dining area with her trusty walker, took in her beautiful face breaking into smiles as she spotted the two of us & another dear friend of hers. She was ready for not just supper, but a good time. And she got it. Another good friend of hers asked if he could join us & the evening turned into a dinner party!
At 94, our client is considerably older than the 83-year old gentleman who joined us, but it's clear she's a special friend of his. We had a delightful time, with the conversation flowing between John, myself & the fine fellow. Did my grannie client constantly chime in? Not much, but just looking at her face told anyone that she was having a high old time, reveling in the lively banter flying across the table. It helped that each of us took care to include her in the fun, drawing her in with comments & looking at, being aware of her presence. Her face was lit up the entire night, especially after a 5th person, who'd finished her own meal with friends, joined us for the last fifteen minutes. John & I agreed afterward that it felt like our own version of Dinner Party Download!
So, what sets us - Donna, John, myself - apart from traditional caregivers? I'm not sure.
It helps that we don't have a uniform that immediately sets us apart, that announces who we are & why we are there. If you saw us with our clients, we could be children or other relatives, friends. The clothing really does make a big difference. There is a reason people wear uniforms - so they will be more uniform. I know it would affect me, wearing something so totally not me, so utterly an alien norm. I can't wait to see what Donna has on today!
The uniform makes a difference, but even wearing one couldn't squelch the sheer enjoyment each of us feels just being with our older friends. Looking back over our client list, can't spot one who didn't bring a smile to our faces, John's as well as mine. We don't just like older people, we find them delightful to be with, energizing to be around.
We do our best to help them feel at their own best. For a client with memory challenges, I wear a brightly lettered name tag with DEEV & the date dangling from a snappy-looking lanyard. There's always a boldly lettered card on the dashboard proclaiming the day & date. It's easy for memory-challenged friends to realize what tomorrow will be with the current day & date right in front of them. Praise be, so far all my friends seem to appreciate it, feel partnered in their care & comfort, rather than patronized.
I am so grateful to have found another member of our tribe. In seeing how she so tenderly cares for her older friend, I get more insight into what it is that John & I do with our own clients that make us a different sort of care partner.
That isn't to diminish the value of more traditional aides, but it helps me appreciate what it is we do & hold so dear.
What does our tribe bring to the mix that brings verve to elder care? We each reach beyond providing basic services to something more - to engage energize empower. We take pride in helping with needs, but LOVE doing all we can to celebrate & live expansively!
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