I don't do ENABLE

 

Never have.  My goal has always been to empower.  Helping others achieve their best, in whatever context that might present itself.  

Which is creating a serious crisis.  Whether I call myself an eldercare anarchist or solutionist, my meaning is still the same - I want to be part of the forces setting out to revolution our culture's woeful attitude to our older family & friends. 

My personal definition of care partner is someone who does everything in his or her power to help everyone benefit & grow from our interactions.  That includes the families as well - maybe even more than - as older friends. My motto is engage energize empower.  It doesn't read, "When it is convenient."

I've known families who consider working with older relatives to be on par with falling in love or welcoming a baby for awakening a new or fresh sense of spiritual aliveness.  Falling in love is rainbows & stardust and welcoming a baby is gurgles & doting ahhhs;  being there when an older person needs us is frequently bothersome, exasperating, and a massive intrusion on carefully ordered lives.  

Casual friends & pleasant acquaintances often say, "Well, if I got along with my mother as well as you did with yours..."  The reality was that Mom drove me nuts.  She was, in ways that mattered deeply, my absolute opposite.  But someone's reckless handling of Dad's inheritance left her financially dependent on family support.  In our family, for a variety of reasons, that narrowed down to me.  

Sure, I could have skipped out.  But from my earliest days, I've held a deep reverence for the 5th Commandment - "Honor thy father & thy mother..."  It's the only commandment that describes a blessing flowing from obedience -  "...that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God gives you."  Even ministers - even a bishop! - urged me to make a separate life.  I'd just shake my head, explaining that I couldn't.  It wasn't obligation or even duty that held me in place - it was knowing being there for Mom honored both her & Dad.  It was just the right thing to do.  Not easy, but right.  

I have an older friend who needs support.  He doesn't need my support or a home health aide's support - he needs his family's hands-on, real-time being present in his life.  Not for a big chunk of time.  An itty bitty commitment from each.  Two, maybe three hours a month.  A month - not a day or a week.   His children find they can't make the time, can't fit one more thing into already maxed out schedules.  

Which is what brings me to my crisis.  I don't do enabling.  But it turns out that's what I'm doing right now.  I always experienced my client's family as an incredibly united team, at the ready to back him up.  Well, the team needs to step up to the plate & it isn't.  Am still processing that.  They balked.  They are too busy to free up two, maybe three hours of their time - once a month.  Yes, they do other things with their parent.  What they don't get is that this is something their parent needs & that they - not hired others - are the best suited to provide.  

For many moons, I've held myself out as different from the typical care provider.  I am a care partner, not simply an aide.  What does that mean?  It means engaging energizing empowering.  EVERYONE.  Myself, my clients, their families.  

As difficult as it will be financially - this is a core client - it seems best for everyone for us to part.  I've failed in an essential goal - to help the family get out of this remarkable experience all that I gained from working with Mom.  I've failed to convey the blessings that flow from letting yourself be bothered, inconvenienced, intruded on - from a full heart, with compassion & a genuinely selfless-sense of serving.  Even in the midst of this crisis, am grateful that it all brought home how much that message is even more my life's work than helping older friends reconnect with a vibrant sense of purpose, than taking them out for rambles & adventures.  

My goal for every client I work with is for them to come close to experiencing growing older & elderly with the same verve & zest as my mother.  Mom was 90 when she wrote -  Changing roles and changing identities can be rough, especially on children, no matter how old  they are.  Imagine the upset at finding that good old Mom is not what she  used to be.  That discovery could make even an adult feel like a kid lost at the department store. ~ Whoever is ME is changing so fast it is hard to keep up at times.  It feels  like more is bubbling up to the surface than ever before - well, since I fell in love, married and became a mom for the first time.

My goal for their families to come close to experiencing the insights & blessings received through being there for Mom.  Working with her introduced me to the deep spirit that accompanies working with the aged, whether simply needing a bit of extra care or more intensive support.  It sure ranks right up there with raising children for learning to let go of ego & expectations!

If I can't get across to a loving, committed family that WE are the ones who benefit most from being there when most needed, than I'm not serving them as I should be.  Anyone can keep their Dad company.  My greatest gift is in sharing how being present with an open heart & willing spirit sets us on a path of selfless service & surprising self discovery.  ALL of us - older loved one, family, care partners.  Fail in that & I've failed in all.

To me, it's as simple as Honor your father & your mother.  What does that mean to others, if not being there when we're needed, inspite of the bother, inconvenience, intrusion?  

I never insist clients or their families follow any counsel I might offer.  Hey, I'm not a counselor.  And I am not their children.  Up until now, if my advice wasn't followed, no big deal.  I shared my opinion, the decision was theirs.  But this...  This goes deep.  They honestly feel they can't step up & I don't do enabling. 

Am I willing to give up a core client because I've failed in a key part of my fundamental mission?  Yes.